And now that's a Take That song. Less dangerous.
I've been around for a while now, give or take a month and a half since I came back if we don't count the week long absence and it's safe to say that I'm back and kicking. And the sore throat and fever are giving me an excuse to scribble here.
I did apologise to my RP partners for the absence and explained myself but in case anyone else reads here, I will go over that again mostly because there's been only two people in PPM that know me to a degree through OOC talks (apologies for being an introvert).
PPM is not a distraction from real life for me in general, I love writing and I try to write things that I'd like to read (even though slice of life is not the easiest for me to write hence my plotting can get dull at times). I do respect the time and effort my partners put into their own writing and that's the main reason why I never any demands from them, something all people I've RPed with can probably agree on.
While that is the case, it's safe to say I did fail multiple times at basic courtesy to let them know about my prolonged absences. This is the main and only thing I feel apologetic and terribly sorry about in my countless years in PPM. I won't turn this note into self-apologism and I do accept I could have done better.
That said, my absences were never caused by boredom but merely by my life, not solely in an emotional sense. I'm the kind of person who tackles often more than she can normally handle (and I keep doing this even though I know it), be it family matters, business life, education, anything really.
I do thrive under a bit of pressure and stress but thanks to this stupid quirk of mine, adding more and more stress to my life, I developed an anxiety disorder, one that completely destroyed my ability to focus on anything. I had it going on for a long time (read, close to a decade).
It got tremendous during times my life faced big changes or bad events - I won't feel the need to give details about these. There are millions of people on Earth living worse lives, billions facing problems each day, I won't glorify my own as the point is the stress and my inability to cope with it. By tremendous I mean a level of inner restlessness that makes you try and read three different and unrelated subjects in the same five minutes; rinse and repeat. It's incredibly self-frustrating, unproductive and a further source of stress that makes you stare at the screen and do nothing for hours in self-pity. And yes, there's been times that logging into PPM was the last thing on my mind in the mess of things I had to do as they dragged on and on, pulling me down along.
That, of course, doesn't make me feel any less guilty about worrying people. If it's any consolation, although there's been days where I expected getting hit by lightning as the next possible answer to what-else-can-happen, I've been lucky enough to balance the tab. I completely understand how bad it looks and they feel ignored, rightfully so, thus the guilt -which, of course, was yet another stress.
It was a big step for me, which may look negligible to you, to go and get help about it (yes, yes, a tiny pill for treating anxiety) and so far it's going great. I still have a lot to do but I no longer feel Martian gravity on my spine and I can find time for a lot of things. I thought I was disorganised and a true procrastinator all these years but it's good to be proven wrong.
Through all this time and in my few returns to PPM, I never really expected nor asked any of my RPmates to wait for me or my characters. Not for the lack of care on my part, quite the opposite, I value the people I RP with immensely, they're terrific writers I look up to but I'd never wish to hinder their enjoyment of PPM or writing in general. Once again, I apologise for any and all storylines that we started and couldn't continue (which aren't a lot, thankfully). I know words and apologies are usually not enough for many people but sadly I don't have many means at my disposal to truly show it.
Again, through all this time and in my returns to PPM, there's been two incredible people (*waves at Ipek&Vi) who's always been there for me and accepted me back without making me beg on my knees. I'm truly and eternally grateful to you, gals. I know it takes a lot to, maybe forgiveness isn't the right word here but I'll say, forgive and give another chance so, please know that it doesn't go unnoticed.
I am forever in your debt.
I've been around for a while now, give or take a month and a half since I came back if we don't count the week long absence and it's safe to say that I'm back and kicking. And the sore throat and fever are giving me an excuse to scribble here.
I did apologise to my RP partners for the absence and explained myself but in case anyone else reads here, I will go over that again mostly because there's been only two people in PPM that know me to a degree through OOC talks (apologies for being an introvert).
PPM is not a distraction from real life for me in general, I love writing and I try to write things that I'd like to read (even though slice of life is not the easiest for me to write hence my plotting can get dull at times). I do respect the time and effort my partners put into their own writing and that's the main reason why I never any demands from them, something all people I've RPed with can probably agree on.
While that is the case, it's safe to say I did fail multiple times at basic courtesy to let them know about my prolonged absences. This is the main and only thing I feel apologetic and terribly sorry about in my countless years in PPM. I won't turn this note into self-apologism and I do accept I could have done better.
That said, my absences were never caused by boredom but merely by my life, not solely in an emotional sense. I'm the kind of person who tackles often more than she can normally handle (and I keep doing this even though I know it), be it family matters, business life, education, anything really.
I do thrive under a bit of pressure and stress but thanks to this stupid quirk of mine, adding more and more stress to my life, I developed an anxiety disorder, one that completely destroyed my ability to focus on anything. I had it going on for a long time (read, close to a decade).
It got tremendous during times my life faced big changes or bad events - I won't feel the need to give details about these. There are millions of people on Earth living worse lives, billions facing problems each day, I won't glorify my own as the point is the stress and my inability to cope with it. By tremendous I mean a level of inner restlessness that makes you try and read three different and unrelated subjects in the same five minutes; rinse and repeat. It's incredibly self-frustrating, unproductive and a further source of stress that makes you stare at the screen and do nothing for hours in self-pity. And yes, there's been times that logging into PPM was the last thing on my mind in the mess of things I had to do as they dragged on and on, pulling me down along.
That, of course, doesn't make me feel any less guilty about worrying people. If it's any consolation, although there's been days where I expected getting hit by lightning as the next possible answer to what-else-can-happen, I've been lucky enough to balance the tab. I completely understand how bad it looks and they feel ignored, rightfully so, thus the guilt -which, of course, was yet another stress.
It was a big step for me, which may look negligible to you, to go and get help about it (yes, yes, a tiny pill for treating anxiety) and so far it's going great. I still have a lot to do but I no longer feel Martian gravity on my spine and I can find time for a lot of things. I thought I was disorganised and a true procrastinator all these years but it's good to be proven wrong.
Through all this time and in my few returns to PPM, I never really expected nor asked any of my RPmates to wait for me or my characters. Not for the lack of care on my part, quite the opposite, I value the people I RP with immensely, they're terrific writers I look up to but I'd never wish to hinder their enjoyment of PPM or writing in general. Once again, I apologise for any and all storylines that we started and couldn't continue (which aren't a lot, thankfully). I know words and apologies are usually not enough for many people but sadly I don't have many means at my disposal to truly show it.
Again, through all this time and in my returns to PPM, there's been two incredible people (*waves at Ipek&Vi) who's always been there for me and accepted me back without making me beg on my knees. I'm truly and eternally grateful to you, gals. I know it takes a lot to, maybe forgiveness isn't the right word here but I'll say, forgive and give another chance so, please know that it doesn't go unnoticed.
I am forever in your debt.